Learning to Forgive

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the conscious choice to let go of negative feelings such as resentment and anger, even towards those who have wronged us. It is a process of shifting our perspective and emotional response to a harmful event, replacing resentment and vengeance with compassion and understanding. Forgiveness fosters emotional healing, inner peace, and stronger relationships.

It is also a way of caring for ourselves—living in alignment with our values, staying focused on the present, and acknowledging our shared human experience of harm and healing.

Why Forgiveness Can Feel Illogical

Forgiveness can feel challenging because:

Emotional Complexity: Forgiveness involves deep emotional work. Logic may say “move on,” but emotions like pain and anger linger.
Justice vs. Mercy: For some, forgiving feels like ignoring justice or excusing harm, especially in cases of severe wrongdoing.
Self-Preservation: When someone continues to cause harm, forgiveness might feel unsafe or unhealthy.
Individual Thresholds: What one person can forgive, another might not. Forgiveness is deeply personal.
Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Perspectives on forgiveness vary across cultures and faiths, with some valuing it as a moral virtue and others focusing on retribution.

Forgiveness is a personal decision. There is no single “right” way—it’s about what works for you.

Self-Enquiry About Forgiveness

What are the pros and cons of forgiving?
Which choice aligns more with my values: forgiveness or holding onto anger?
Which choice will reduce my suffering?
What do I fear I might lose if I forgive? Is this fear valid?
Am I holding onto this hurt for other reasons, like a secret desire for revenge?
Will my life be more fulfilling if I release my grip on the past?

Steps to Forgive

1. Identify the Hurt
What specific grievance, betrayal, or injury am I holding onto? Are there events or people I replay in my mind?

2. Notice What Keeps You Stuck
Am I trying to explain, justify, or defend what happened?
Do I blame myself, others, or the world for my pain or unmet expectations?

3. Acknowledge Forgiveness as a Choice
Forgiveness is something I decide for myself. Choosing not to forgive—or not choosing at all—also shapes my life.

4. Reclaim Your Life
Grieve the loss of your expectations about the world, yourself, or others. Let yourself feel sadness or disappointment—it’s a necessary part of healing. Grief clears out old patterns, making space for the present.

A Forgiveness Practice

“I recognise that to forgive and reclaim my life, I must grieve the loss of my expectations or beliefs about the world, myself, or others.

Today, I grieve the loss of my expectation that _______.

By grieving, I accept the pain of this injury. Ignoring or denying it would only cause more suffering. My sadness reminds me that the world is not always as I want it to be.

By allowing myself to feel this sadness without self-blame or resentment, I take a step toward forgiveness and healing.

Forgiveness is a choice I freely make. I now choose to forgive.”

I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

“This practice frees me from anger and resentment, allowing me to reclaim my life and live more fully in the present.”

Flexible Mind Has HEART

The HEART framework offers a compassionate, structured approach to navigating forgiveness. By identifying and processing pain, recognising where we are stuck, and consciously choosing to forgive, we reclaim our emotional freedom and invite gratitude into our lives.

H: Identify the HURT

Before forgiveness can begin, we must name the pain we are carrying. This step involves facing the reality of what happened, where it hurts, and how it has affected us.

Reflect on the Injury: What specific event, interaction, or behaviour caused the hurt?
Acknowledge the Impact: How has this hurt affected your thoughts, emotions, relationships, and view of the world?
Explore Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, betrayal, or confusion without judgement. Naming these feelings gives them space to heal.

Example: “I feel betrayed because I expected loyalty, and I now struggle to trust others as a result.”

By identifying the hurt, you create a foundation for healing instead of suppressing or denying it.

E: Locate Your EDGE

Your “edge” represents the mental or emotional barrier keeping you stuck in the past. This edge often arises from patterns of thinking that reinforce pain or prevent you from moving forward.

Notice Your Resistance:
- Do you replay the hurt over and over?
- Are you justifying your anger, explaining the situation repeatedly, or blaming yourself or others?
Identify the Stories You Tell:
- What are you telling yourself about the event or your worth?
- Are you stuck in narratives like: “This always happens to me” or “I’ll never forgive them”?
Recognise Your Triggers: What thoughts, feelings, or situations bring you back to this hurt?

Example: “My edge is the belief that forgiving means condoning what happened, which makes me resist letting go of anger.”

By locating your edge, you pinpoint where you feel stuck, which allows you to challenge these blocks and move forward.

A: ACKNOWLEDGE Forgiveness as a Choice

Forgiveness is not about forgetting, excusing, or denying harm—it is a conscious choice to let go of the emotional burden of the past.

Accept That You Have Power: You may not have control over what happened, but you do control your response. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not the person who hurt you.
Clarify Your Intentions: Ask yourself:
- What am I holding onto, and is it serving me?
- How would forgiveness improve my emotional wellbeing?
Choose Your Path: Not forgiving is also a choice. By acknowledging this, you reclaim agency over your healing journey.

Example: “I choose to forgive, not because they deserve it, but because I deserve peace.”

Forgiveness is yours to freely give, and it cannot be forced upon you.

R: RECLAIM Your Life Through Grieving and Forgiveness

Grieving is an essential step in the process of forgiveness. It involves mourning what was lost—trust, expectations, relationships, or even a sense of safety—and accepting the reality of the past.

Allow Yourself to Grieve: Feel the sadness, disappointment, or anger without judgement. Grief clears out old pain and creates space for healing.
Release Unrealistic Expectations: Acknowledge that life and people are imperfect. Holding onto expectations that things “should” have been different only prolongs suffering.
Step Into the Present: By forgiving, you release yourself from the weight of the past and reclaim your focus, energy, and emotional freedom.

Example: “I grieve the loss of trust I once had. By releasing this pain, I make room for hope, joy, and growth.”

T: Practise THANKFULNESS and Pass It On

Gratitude is a powerful force for healing. When you practise thankfulness, you shift your focus from what was lost to what remains and what has been gained.

Cultivate Gratitude: Reflect on the lessons the experience taught you or the strength you discovered within yourself.
Embrace Growth: Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but it allows you to grow from it. What did the experience teach you about resilience, boundaries, or compassion?
Pass It On: Extend the spirit of forgiveness and gratitude to others. By sharing your lessons and kindness, you inspire others to release their burdens.

Example: “I am thankful for the strength I found through this pain, and I will use it to show compassion toward others.”